I never expected that my first post would be about violence but well, today I need to get out of my head. I got a call from a friend, he’d been attacked with a hammer ,the police were on the way and he was clearly disorientated. I knew this day would come, we had spoken about it before and he believed it wouldn’t happen. But now I’m wondering if he knew too, just didn’t want to say.
I went through domestic violence .I still have some of the scars, and somewhere deep under my skin are the fracture lines, healed but on a cold day,I’m reminded. My friend lived with his partner for a time, drink played a part as it often does. But sometimes that isn’t needed, it can be for any reason and although we are supposed to be better at dealing with it .Us humans are flawed in a way because we forgive, we hope it wont happen again,we listen to the lies that it wont, we accept guilt for our own actions as if it’s an excuse ,a reason for the violence placed upon us. But it’s not, there is no excuse no reason no there isn’t. If you break something ,you don’t deserve to be broken because of it.
Below I will write some sentences or situations or markers, these are to be noticed while talking ,dating,married,relationship, any form of relationship where you will be in contact with someone who uses these terms or a variant of them,has committed these acts,or spoken about them.
- Being asked who you are talking to, seeing, or who you are with. In normal conversation this is somewhat normal but if you are asked repeatedly during every conversation it is a marker of control.
- Being asked if you are ignoring him/her. Again it can happen that you are asked this on occasion, but also it means the person is putting themselves first above any duties you may have to do. It’s a marker to be noted because in the beginning of a relationship it is missed often because we’re trying to make someone feel more comfortable, we are wanting them to feel we are thinking of them,so reassure them. Its a marker that is missed for that very reason. But if you are busy and haven’t had chance to contact someone then their assumption that you are ignoring them is a marker Not to miss.
- Mentioning physical violence, especially during rows. Now, just because someone has only said it,and during a row,doesn’t mean it can be ignored as a marker. The thought was there,and if you do care for someone you don’t try or think of hurting them physically. During a larger row those thoughts can easily become actions.
- Lying, now while in itself there are many other reasons for someone to lie, it’s a marker to notice because people who commit acts of violence do lie, to you about their history ,to you about if they will do it again, to you to say they didn’t mean it and finally to anyone concerned or the police. It is a marker to notice.
- Note. There are situations where a male or female has family or friends who know of their violence and you maybe told to ignore them or keep away from them.But also,some family and friends may never know that a person is violent because the basis of their relationship is different ,they might not even know it happens with that particular person. If a act is committed against you and people assure you that they are not normally violent, don’t ignore it.They might just not know the person is and has been violent before.
- Been violent and asked for forgiveness. Now, if you commit a act of violence then your first thought should be about the act you’ve committed. Now the essential thing is making sure the person is ok. Now there are a few moral ideas to this, personally I would hand myself into a police station. Anyone trying to control the time frame of when you forgive them does so for themselves at a time when they have harmed you, it’s a part of control and is a marker to be noted and noticed heavily because if you forgive easily ,especially if you feel it’s your fault in whole or part, the person has a increased chance of becoming violent again ,knowing how easy you may forgive them and how long it will take and that you will actually forgive violence,so while you believe you’re closing the door on a violent incident, you’re actually condoning any future incidents and yes, this includes when you’ve told them it must never happen again, they know you forgave it once, they know you will the next time..please note this marker.
- Previous violence. If you weren’t there and not in their head, you cannot ignore previous violence. I think you know that already though don’t you?
- And lastly..do you remember the title of this? You may of read it out of interest, or…you might of read it to see ,and if you have or read other pieces because you’re worried..then that is the first marker you should really deal with, and note.Because the sentence “I should of known” is only said after it’s already too late. Sometimes,listening to your gut instinct is the very best thing. Take care,wherever you are.